Chosen

I know you all must be feeling sorry for us.  I feel sorry for us sometimes, too.  I try so hard to stay strong and to be brave, but when it comes down to it -- this sucks!  Eloquent, right? But there's no way around it. It really sucks.  I have a request for you... try not to feel bad for us.  Try to feel hope for us.  Try to feel brave for us.  Though this situation is not ideal, we have to believe we were chosen for it.  Hand picked to be our daughter's parents.  I do find myself asking "why us" on occasion.  I am guilty of feeling jealous as my friends progress through their healthy pregnancies.  I see pictures of peoples' new babies and wish that our baby would make an easier entrance into the world.  I see people complain and find myself bitter, as their problems seem so small.  My mind goes there, and I'm not proud of it.  I get myself out of those funks by reminding myself that God picked us for a reason.  It's impossible to know His reason or His plan now, but I've come up with some ideas.

What can I gain from this?  (besides a totally awesome, strong, and beautiful daughter)

I am someone who must be in control... all the time... in every situation.   I have to know every detail of everything going on.  The unknown doesn't work for me.  I don't like surprises.  I have to have all the answers.  I'm the kind of person who likes to do things on my own because then I know it's done my way, to my standard, and on my timeline.  I'm hesitant to ask for help or to let people participate, because I have little faith or trust that they will accomplish it as well as I can.  Control. 

There is no control in this situation.  There is NOTHING I can do.  It is all out of my hands.
 And it.
 is.
HARD.
 I wish so badly I could fix this for my daughter.  I wish I could make it better and do it all myself, but I can't.  All I can do is trust the doctors and have faith in their work and in God's plan.  I don't have all the answers, and I really long for them.  But as her condition develops, the answers will change.  As she progresses through her surgeries, the answers will change.  Everything is up in the air and it forces me to let go of control and just live day by day.  God has a lesson for me.  God will help me through it.  I will be a better, stronger, more faithful person because of this.

What can Patrick gain from this? (besides a totally awesome, strong, and beautiful daughter)

Patrick has never been someone who is in touch with his emotions.  He's one of those people who dismisses his feelings.  Where I live in the highs and the lows, he lives right in the middle.  He doesn't show great joy and he doesn't show great sadness... he's perpetually complacent.  This situation has really shaken up his world.  He's feeling emotions poking through that he can't contain, and he's forced to come to terms with them.  In the next year, he will feel SO much -- some good, some bad.  It will all be inevitable and unavoidable.  Sadness, fear, guilt, jealousy, happiness, pride, joy, love.  He will really run the gamut.  God needed a way to open him up, and he provided it through our daughter... our seriously awesome daughter.

We both have room to grow, and we will experience so much personal growth through this.  We hope to grow together as well and to grow in our faith and relationship with God.  This will certainly be a trying time, but we know that we were chosen... so do not pity us, just continue to support us the way you have been. Your love has been so humbling and helps us more than you know.  In a time during which it would be easy to lose hope, you give us greater hope than we ever could have imagined. Thank you.