When I started this blog, I asked Patrick if he wanted to be a part of it. I was thinking for sure he would say no. To my surprise, he said he'd like to use it to reflect every once in a while. If you read our last entry titled "Chosen" you learned something about my husband. He is not someone who is very in touch with his feelings. In fact, he is someone who really doesn't experience emotion like the rest of us human beings here on Earth ;) However, as predicted, God is working in him in BIG ways! He is opening Patrick's eyes, mind, and most importantly, his heart... all to prepare him for the biggest, most amazing moment which will come in just 12 short weeks -- meeting his little girl.
Daddy's little girl.
Patrick has been in Virginia for the last 3 and a half months at a school for the Army. When he left, we had a "normal pregnancy". We were still awaiting the gender of our child. And, to our knowledge, she was perfectly healthy! We were planning her nursery and registering for all the essentials. When he left for school, he was leaving a healthy mom and baby. I can't even imagine having to find out over the phone that your child has a severe congenital heart defect -- one that can't be "cured" or "fixed"... one that would require not one invasive surgery, but three, all starting right after she enters this world. I can't imagine having to be so far away while all this is happening -- the fetal echoes, the growth ultrasounds, the worried wife, the barrage of new doctors and new information. Patrick wrote this blog about a week ago and I wanted to share it with you all today!
I think the most difficult part of all of this right now is that there is something wrong with our little girl and there is nothing we can do for her. It's my natural instinct to want to protect her from everything. She's not even here yet and I'm already failing. I have hope, though, and that may be the only thing that is saving me now. Is it hope? Or do I keep trying to wake myself from this dream? Either way... these next days, weeks, months, years...this is something that will never be fixed. It will never go away. It's something that she will live with her whole life. In the beginning, when we first found out about this, we didn't know the severity of what she had. I also have a small heart condition and we thought it could be hereditary. I don't think I have ever more guilty about anything in my entire life than the possibility of giving my daughter an incomplete heart. I suppose we all have incomplete hearts in one way or another, though. The best thing that I can do right now is prepare to make her spiritual heart full and overflowing with love. More to come, this is how I feel today.
So proud of him! He's going to be the most amazing daddy for this little girl. God picked well.
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